


First time

by Angelscythe



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Canon drug use, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Not Really Character Death, Prostitution, canon character death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-31
Updated: 2019-03-31
Packaged: 2019-12-30 03:14:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18307049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angelscythe/pseuds/Angelscythe
Summary: When Ben die, Klaus can't support him. He can't deal with the vision of his dead brother. He needs to fly away. Quick. And he's really sorry about that...





	First time

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!!  
> Thank you to have clicked on this fanfiction. I wrote it for my best friend in the world. I'm sorry if I have made mistake with the character behavior and in the english in general (i'm not native english and i've dislexia)  
> I hope you'd have fun reading this and have a good day!! You're awesome!!

For the others, it would have been fantastic and maybe they were right?

But for him…

For him, it was just horrible. He couldn’t stand this.

Yes, he should be happy, yes he wanted to be happy but he just couldn’t. He couldn’t… Each time he was doing something, Ben was like. His eyes judging him. Judging his way to life. His life. He was alive. He was alive and Ben was dead. He could have done nothing… Maybe Luther could have done something? Maybe Diego? Or even Allison if she had heard something. But him… No, he couldn’t. He let Ben die and now… Now he was there, alive, with his brother following each of his step. Staying with him because he was the only one that could make him feel alive.

He couldn’t stand this…

It was already so difficult to see those people, whatever he could understand them or not… Because whatever, he could see their age, their pain, their wounds… He could know they were death and waiting for something from him. And it was already so stupidly hard.

But he could ignore them.

He couldn’t with Ben.

He couldn’t just pretend he wasn’t there.

He felt his presence every second, felt his eyes.

It was impossible.

Unbearable.

He had to make him vanish. He had no other choice…

When he passed the door of his tiny-tiny apartment, a thing with everything in the same room, he held the door for Ben. Hearing him saying 'thank you' was insupportable… And once again, he felt so guilty. He has to make him feel alive. He had to appreciate the fact that him, in contrary to the others, he could hear the sound of his voice… And he couldn’t…

He walked to his drawer. The only thing he had. Well… It was already there when he came here. One of his special friends had given him the address long time ago and he lived there like a rat since there. All of his belongings were stuffed in there so he just open the drawers and started to look inside.

“What are you doing?” Ben asked.

He hadn’t really talked much but now… Now, he knew that his life was only tying to someone.

“I’m sorry,” Klaus replied.

He ruffled in his stuff. He searched, pushing clothes and making them feel on the floor as he moved everything around. He couldn’t find any… And he felt the presence of Ben, next to the door, waiting there as if he wasn’t welcome.

Well, he wasn’t at all!

And Klaus was so sorry for that…

He took a drawer and removed it from the stack, returning it in a rain of clothes to find… Nothing else. There was nothing else than clothes in every shape, lots of beautiful colors…

“Shit!”

“Something’s wrong?” Ben said, pacing forward once.

“NO!” Klaus let out, powerfully.

Ben went quiet.

“I’m sorry…” Klaus said.

“Sorry? Sorry for what?” he asked.

Klaus didn’t reply. He didn’t want to hear him. And he still felt…

he couldn’t put words on this. He just couldn’t. He continued to search in his clothes, despair on his face. But he wasn’t searching the same thing. He knew he had nothing to cut him from the reality. His reality. There was nothing he could do against what life at decided for him on first October 1989 when he had suddenly appeared in his mom’s womb to be spit out immediately.

It wasn’t that surprising. Nobody ever had wanted him. Not surprising he had been in the warm of special protection for such a little time. Not surprising he had been sold to a man that could do nothing but torture him…

Usually, his drugs helped him to face that as much as destroying this awful power that embraced him and keep reminding him how much those dead people would be loved once he’d be dead but not him.

No, now, he was searching for money.

And as he did, he kept saying he was sorry. Again and again.

Ben approached him.

“You did nothing wrong, Klaus…”

“I’m sorry,” he replied, ruffling in his clothes.

“What are you searching for?” Ben asked, willing to help him a little.

If this was the only thing he still could do…

Klaus didn’t know if he wanted to reply to him or not. This conversation was awful and yet… Ben was there… He had always loved Ben. He had always loved every of his sibling…

But he didn’t talk to him because he didn’t have the strength for.

Because if he could not see him, it would be like his brother didn’t see him either. Playing the ostrich, he rather continue to search for something he knew he hadn’t.

What he was searching for?

Money.

Money to buy the only thing that could prevent him from the Madness…

Because, yes for him, he was the one who had killed his brother; because he couldn’t face this death knowing his brother would stay around him and understand how much… How much he was the worst part of the family. He wasn’t Dad’s favorite, he wasn’t Mom’s favorite, he hadn’t a beautiful life, he wasn’t gifted for any instrument or anything but debauchery. It seemed he was just good to be the one suffering from not one but two losses…

He walked to the window, seeing Ben reflect in the dirty glass. He tried not to see him and concentrate on the people down the streets. Some were friends.

Well…

Friends.

He didn’t really have friends so…

But he knew those could help him to have money. They always told him so. He could count on them for that.

“Ben…” he said, with a weak tone.

“Yes?”

“Can you stay here? I have… something to do.”

“Okay…” Ben replied, perplexed.

“I love you,” Klaus whispered as he walked to the door.

Ben watched as his brother left the room, sitting on the couch.

 

Klaus took his head in his hands as he was leaving the place. He hated himself. A little voice in his head told him he had no other choice but at this exact moment, he had no idea if this voice was really his…

He climbed down the stairs and followed the corridor to leave the building. For a second, he thought he could just flee. Run as fast as he could and just never come back again. Yes, he could do that… But the problem would come back anyway.

It always came back. That was the reason he stole, the reason he did tiny jobs all the time. Dirty jobs.

But he did not have time to do the waiters to be insulted, no time to just walk in the town in the hope of founding expensive stuff he could sell and no belonging to the pawnbroker. At the second he would come back to his flat, his brother would be there…

He passed his wrist under his eyes and turned around the flat.

His friend was there and moved his and to him when he noticed him. He walked to him, shivering like never. Which was making his friend smile. Okay, it was definitely not his friend…

The guy used to tell him where he could find the dealer. Now he proved as much he was more likely… the asshole hovering in his life until he could pick up the rest of his dead body…

“I need money,” Klaus muttered when he arrived by him.

“When?” his not-friend asked.

“Now.”

“What are you willing to do?” he smiled.

Klaus shivered even more and, seeing the asshole smile, he knew the guy thought he was doing a crisis. Needing drugs now.

Yes, he did.

But not because this stupid and filthy thing wasn’t in his blood anymore. Not exactly…

He looked up and muttered an 'I’m sorry' as he could detect the window of his apartment…

“What?” the no-friend said.

“Now.”

Klaus looked up to him, twitching but seeming extremely motivated.

“I need it now.”

The man smiled. He passed his arm around his shoulder and make him walk with him.

“Usually, I don’t give money like that but you’re my friend…”

Friend, yes…

Klaus watched again to the window, trying to see Ben. For the last time maybe. Hopefully. Sadly.

“For you, I’ll make an exception.”

“Thanks…”

“What do you have?” the 'friend' said with a low voice. “You seem to have seen a ghost,” he joked.

“My brother died today,” Klaus replied, as if it was the correct reply to give.

“Ah… Uh… I see.” The man cleared his throat. “Then, you’ll see, everything will be nice and sweet.”

Klaus didn’t care about his lies. He glanced a last time to the window as he let the man bring him to the street where there were so many cars driving so slowly…

They stayed there for too long before one of them stopped by after a tiny gesture from the not-friend. The car totally stopped and the man forced Klaus to move toward it. Inside, a man in a suit looked at the young man, still seeming like the Apocalypse had fallen on his head few minutes earlier. When the window lowered, the man in suit bent. Klaus didn’t listen, honestly, he knew his really not friend was talking with this guy to find the perfect price. As if he was a bunch of lemons in the market place.

He waited.

What could he do except that?

When, finally, the car door opened, it was like the Hell gates had opened to him instead.

He had wished for it.

He wanted this.

That was the price of his betrayal.

He had let Ben die, he was supposed to make him live through him but he gave up on him. He deserved that. His brothers, his sisters, his damn father would say it to him.

If they dared come to him.

He deserved to slide on this car to go to God only knows and to have his really not friend bending over him.

“I’ll give you the money if you’re doing well,” he swore at his ear.

Klaus didn’t nod, didn’t react.

Just staying away from his flat was a good thing, in the end…

 

 

Time had passed. Minutes, which wasn’t that surprising, then quarter and now hours. Ben was really worried. He had no idea how he could find his brother… He would have followed him discretely if said brother wasn’t exactly the one being able to see him through the death.

He couldn’t stay there. He was so stupid. When Klaus had asked to leave him, it was quite obvious he was doing badly. Ben had just assumed he was shocked because of his death, he was there at the moment after all, but now… Now, he realized he should have reacted otherwise.

Damn idiot!

Ben got up and walked to the door. His hand stayed hovering in the air. Should he open the door? Could he? Would he cross it?

At the moment his fingers approached the knob, the door opened and he moved back.

“Klaus!” he said in relieving. “I was worried for you.”

Klaus didn’t reply to him and walked, passing through him as if he wasn’t there.

Which surprised Ben because this was clearly too rude to be normal… He followed Klaus and noticed the sadness in his eyes, on his face. But also the horror… He watched him as he walked to the bathroom.

Another thing surprising… when Klaus walked, he seemed to want to undress himself but glanced toward the couch and lowered his arms though he continued to move to the restroom.

“You’re not seeing me?!” Ben asked with reproach in his voice.

His brother didn’t reply.

It wasn’t in his habit not to reply to people talking with him. He had already replied to too many people he shouldn’t have walked to. Like the guy that wanted to offer him candies… Without Ben, who knows what could have happened to him. Who know… his life would maybe, certainly, have been better…

Ben hesitated again when he saw his brother entering in the bathroom. He wanted to know but he couldn’t pass through this door. Yes, they had been raised together and call each other brother but that didn’t change anything. They were friends and strangers at the same time. It was already special to come in our brother’s bathroom when he was on it but a stranger’s?!

Damn, Ben wasn’t fool.

He had a lot of problems, thanks Dad, but not this one.

Though…

Though… he heard sobs.

At this exact second, being a fool or not wasn’t the problem. He passed through the wood of the door and saw Klaus, undressed, holding himself, with blood on his skin in such spots…

Ben couldn’t move for a few seconds. He felt the reality of his death when he moved his hand, brushing his fingers to his shoulder, wanting to reach him, but knowing he could never.

He knew what Klaus had done. He knew Klaus will do it again. He did it so often in the past but this time… It was his fault.

He did this to Klaus…

He was looking him cry, hugging himself because nobody would ever hug him.

Ben clenched his fist.

Why he didn’t have hug him in the past? Why he didn’t have give him back everything Klaus had done for him, just to make him smile, to make him happy. Why did he have to be dead to understand…

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Klaus sobbed, in a loop.

His nails digging in his skins. He wanted to go in the shower but he had just no strength to move.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he repeated.

Ben walked to him and passed his arms around his body, even if he couldn’t feel him. He wanted to comfort him. Each second. Each moment.

“I’m sorry,” he said to him, even if he couldn’t hear him. “I’m so sorry Klaus.”

He hugged him even more tightly and pressed his head against his cheek, holding one of his hands. “I love you…” he let out, hoping those words would reach Klaus.

Hoping he could hear them.

Finally…


End file.
